Martin Johnson heads to Moscow for the Champions League final between Man Utd and Chelsea - but with trips costing upwards of £1,500, and world economies braced for a recession, we decided he should get only £30 a day...
It was the office on the phone. "Have you seen the prices for flying to Moscow? Four thousand quid for a seat on a private charter, and the thick end of a grand for a normal return. I think we could do it a bit cheaper. Fancy popping over?"
Well, I thought, I've had tougher assignments. Visions sprung to mind of the Eurostar to Brussels, a high speed train to Cologne, followed by the overnight sleeper to Moscow. Nice and relaxing, plenty of gourmet dining, a glass of wine or two, and we'd still have a bit left over to maybe buy a ticket for the match. "Sure, why not?" I said, and proffered a brief outline of my plan.
"Er, not quite what we had in mind old boy. No aeroplanes, and a budget of £30 a day is more the sort of thing. Imagine you're a football fan, a bit strapped for cash, and more than willing to spend the odd night in a hostel, or on a park bench, for the chance of watching the Champions League Final."
Suddenly, it became something to get out of. "For a start, I'm a Newport County supporter. And I wouldn't even travel to watch them play Basingstoke. My back's playing up, the lawn needs mowing, and there are a couple of Test matches coming up. I'll be like Charters and Caldicott, wandering around Europe trying to find out the score.
"Besides which, thirty quid a day? You cannot, to use an old tennis term, be serious. I could hire a bike, but I wouldn't get much beyond Belgium, and a series of articles on chocolate, and that statue of the boy in Brussels peeing into a fountain would have the readers slumped comatose over their cornflakes."
But it was too late. It was all arranged. Or to be more accurate, not arranged at all. I am to be dumped at Liverpool Street station, issued with a ferry ticket to Rotterdam, and have been instructed to keep the expenses down to a backpack and a swiss army knife.
So much for the gourmet dining prospect. I wonder what the street vendors in Latvia and Lithuania might be offering an impecunious traveller, and whether the cuisine might be anything like Beijing's. For those of you planning to eat out at the Olympics, allow me to set you drooling with a not un-typical pavement menu. Sea snails, dung beetle, fried scorpion on a stick, grilled cicada, dog brain soup, and (clearly the chef's special) boiled ox penis. Bon appetit.
Why me? As travel assignments go, this isn't going to be like Mark Lawson's "The Battle For Room Service", in which the author opted to go to all the nice places, and his only hazard along the way turned out to be a sticky earlobe in the morning after forgetting to clear his pillow of the ubiquitous complimentary chocolate.
I could, I thought, do a Donald Crowhurst. Back in the 1970s, before satellite technology, Donald set off to sail around the globe, but instead of fighting his way round the Southern Ocean, anchored himself somewhere tropical, poured himself dry martinis, and sent out bogus radio messages.
I could find myself a nice little B&B on the south coast, buy myself an Eastern European guide book, and send back stories of desperate coach journeys in Moldovia, and food poisoning in Belarus. But, remembering that Donald leapt overboard when he realised his logs wouldn't stand up to scrutiny, I decided that having to kill myself didn't really appeal.
And so, I've bought instead a Russian translation book in order to be able to converse with the locals in the unlikely event of ever getting that far. Your average British footie fan, for example, would need to know important phrases such as : "vy znaete klubu tantsa poliusa" Which is: "do you know the way to a pole dancing club?"
I've already blown half a day's allowance on the swiss army knife, although it might come in handy for opening a major artery should the going get rough. Which, from all previous experience of Britain's rail network, could begin as early as Liverpool Street.
| Journey so far: | Cost |
|---|---|
| London Liverpool Street to Harwich | £24.60 |
| Overnight ferry: Harwich to Hook of Holland (with cabin) | £44.50 |
| Total: | £69.10 |
How much?
Current travel prices to Moscow, tickets to final and a bed for the night...
- If you want to splash out: Private jet from London to Moscow (return) from £2,595 per person +VAT
- Cheapest tickets in town: Two category one tickets on ebay at starting bid of £512.24 (due to expire in 2 days)
- Accommodation: Five Star Hotel The Marriott Royal Aurora in Moscow, starting price £850 on ebay
Lending a helping hand
If you don't want to see Martin car pooling his way through the back of beyond in Latvia en route to the Luzhiki Stadium let us know if you can assist him on his travels.
Have you a long-lost relative in Poland who would be more than happy to offer him food and a bed for the night? Or how about suggestions as to how Martin should eke out every last minute of his slow trip to Moscow? That is, of course, ideas that won't cost him a penny.
Time isn't money in Martin's case. Email us your ideas...
Latest on the Champions League Final: Man Utd v Chelsea: telegraph.co.uk/moscow
